I came back to Bandung today after being away for 10 days. I was in Singapore and Jakarta – to take care of my self, which means uninterrupted sleep and potential business discussions.
I was so happy to see my Mum again yet at the same time, feeling emotional as she looks so fragile. I spent the whole day with her, feed her, chat with her, put her to bed, brush her hair and i realise there is this super strong maternal love coming out.
It dawns on me that this could be how a mother feels for her offspring. My Mum is not my baby yet I feel that she somehow is. She asked how my sister is doing and tears came out… She tears up a lot, such an honest feeling… She misses someone, so she tears up. This is what a baby does – they express their emotions through tears too…
To my surprise too, I feel at home being her carer. I would love to do it until I can’t anymore. The thought of leaving her is causing tensions all over my body. I feel anxious thinking that I wont see her for a few days. What is happening to me, I ask myself…
I had a chat with a group of professional Ladies in Jakarta about hypnotherapy and they are so keen to get a session with me. I, on the other hand, want to be with my Mum. It is such an odd feeling. I feel like I am in this merging world – where caring for my loved ones, for myself, and for others (through my work) are coming together, and this still feels utterly unfamiliar to me.
Questions then rise up. While listening to the sound of thunder and rain outside, my mind starts to spit out questions. What will my life look like in the summer time this year? Where will i be this time next year? What do I want, really? All questions that really are rhetoric, apart from the last one. This is what I need to decide and I feel the time for that is coming so near.
This much I know: I am grateful for what my life is today, for being here. I’ve spoken with so many people recently who are longing to have such a strong supportive group of friends. I am grateful that I also have one, one that has seen me in all shapes with all my vulnerabilities. I told everyone I chatted with to only go into transformation process having a support system in place…
Making the unfamiliar familiar, this is what is going on in my life right now.
To having it all, in the shape or form that I never imagine before.
To keep my hands up to receive and to be grateful, as everything and everyone is a gift to me.
To know how this feels and to cherish it, always.