After we laid mum down in the grave on March 29 2017, I sat on the sofa that I used to sleep on watching over her for 30 days before this day. It was the same couch she napped on for many years.
I remembered having this feeling that I could not describe in one word. It was a mixture of a relief, a sadness, a happiness, love, and a deep deep quietness within.
I laid down on the rented hospital bed she used for the last 30 days. I saw what she saw lying there. This feeling I had remains.
I asked myself; what is this quietness about?
I felt an immense feeling of missing her because I could not even feel anything of her left in the house. She was gone… gone.
Papa’s energy lingered for 40 days before he fully left. Both Mama and I felt it.
She commented to me in the morning of the 40th day of Papa’s post passing over that she could not feel him (his energetical presence) anymore. I confirmed to her that I had the same feeling. When I woke up that morning, everything was different and I did not feel his presence in the house anymore.
That day, in the afternoon of March 29 2017, 100% of Mum left, completely.
Her spirit was no longer around us nor in the house. She took all of her with her in her transition. EVERYTHING, apart from love. This is the same feeling I have had for all my life – the love she has for me. The rest was gone.
One of my aunties made a remark that evening: it does not feel like someone just passed away today. There is no heaviness in this house.
I agreed with her. There was a lightness in our home that night and the nights following that. Mama was ready to leave and she left, 100 percent. Thankfully, we were ready to let her go too. What’s left is the lightness of her love.
Now, on Jan 2 2018, I lie on my bed. 2 hours after full moon (it‘s 5:41 AM in Zurich) and I realise what the emptiness that was deep within me then is about.
When Mama left, she took EVERYTHING that was hers with her. Included in it was her expectations of me; her resentments that she had for me; her disappointments that she had of me; everything. None of it was here. None. I could not feel any of it.
What was left was this huge space, EMPTY space for me. FOR ME.
It was a space to start over with whatever I choose.
It felt daunting at first because it felt unfamiliar. My life until that moment was consisted of 2 main activities: following her rules AND fighting for my own space where I felt I could decide for what I wanted, instead of what she thought would be good for me.
That day, March 29, the dynamic changed dramatically. The space I wanted became mine. No fighting, no negotiation was required anymore.
All I felt then was a strong strong sense of her unconditional love.
When she left, she left me a loving space to live my chosen life.
And this what got me missing her so much. I missed teasing her, hugging her, kissing her, arguing with her.
Her physical presence made my life colourful. She was relentless in getting me out from my cave. She knows me well, very well.
I love my cave, have always been and will always be. Mama was the MAIN person who consistently helping me to venture out of my cave and meet people. She pushed me. Again and again and again. She pushed me to converse in English too. She did everything she could to get me speak and interact with others, as many as possible. To express myself and to experience life through expressing myself.
And I am grateful that she did. I was not always happy when she did it though. It was hard for me at the time. Now, I am so grateful that she did what she did.
I am now an outgoing cave lover; who thinks and dreams in English too (“universal language”); who connects with people from many cultures and countries; whose life mission is to support others wanting to live a life that express who they are.
Looking back from where I am now, I can see clearly that Mama was helping me to be visible in my life. Genius!
Because of that, I can now able to support others who want to express who they are in their daily life. And this is what my inner calling is about. I am so grateful I find this path and I have Mama to thank as she was my main teacher to get me here.
My journey to where I am today started at home: with my parents, my siblings, my grandparents, and my extended families. This is a messy village of many people with many different baggages. Ah, the entanglements were not always pleasant, yet the experience was so very precious. Today, some have transitioned to the other sides.
The only 2 messages I regularly receive from them, on the other side are „focus and take care of yourself“ and „we always love you, no matter what“.
2017 has brought me a gift, an ultimate gift of a loving space to focus and take care of myself and to make choices that fit me with one guarantee: I am always loved and I am never alone.